I despise in others what I hate most about myself.
This god-awful phrase has been wreaking havoc on my mind for the last couple of days. I want to shake this terrible thought and let my brain rest a minute on a more positive note. I would love nothing more than to let my mind wander on to other things, to shift focus to more pleasant and carefree thoughts. I want to but there are just two problems.
I can't and I shouldn't.
I can't shake this deep-seated concept buried in my mind. Trust me, I've tried but when my mind wanders for more than a minute, that's where it goes. I wish I could just ignore this evil thought and move on but I can't.
And maybe I shouldn't.
I'm not saying I should be so focused on angry, negative thoughts and feelings but I also don't want to ignore the fact that this feeling is so strong and pervasive in my life right now.
I know this isn't a typical Monday morning post for Follow Eric and the last few posts have been on the heavier side but it's the only thing about which I can bring myself to write this morning.
I despise in others what I hate most about myself. It means that the things I don't like in myself, including my shortcomings, evil desires, and sinful predispositions are precisely the things that drive me crazy when I see them in other people. It means that when I look at another person's life, I'm not happy for their new promotion at work because I'm frustrated with how things might be going with my own job at the time. It means I get frustrated seeing a person struggle through a breakup or that I'm not excited for a new couple because of my own frustrated singleness.
I feel terrible when I get caught up in anger and frustration over someone else's choices. It's a pattern in my life that I need desperately to break. Time and again, I allow myself to get wrapped up in someone else's decision. It's an issue I can date back years, even to a post I wrote back in 2007. Check out One Car Collision when you have a chance.
In the meantime, I need to head to work. I'm going to go ahead and post this now and finish my thoughts later. Sorry to leave you hanging like this but in the meantime I encourage you to share your thoughts in the comments and take a minute to read Romans 12:15 if you have some time.
Related blog posts:
Pinpricks of resentment, flames of anger
One Car Collision